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You've Got Oil/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW How many times has this happened to you... You think you've found the perfect parking spot, and turns out to be right in front of a fire hydrant. Well, doesn't have to be a problem anymore. Okay, it's summer, so... There's the one. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Well, big, big week up at the lodge this week. They discovered oil up by port asbestos, and now they're looking for a path to run the oil pipeline. See, they'll only use places where there's no risk of further environmental damage. And we're lookin' real good. Uncle red! [ applause ] spilled the coffee, did you, harold? This is not coffee; this is oil! I just fell in a big pool of it out front. Oh, no, that's just a little test, harold. They dug a little hole, and then they put oil in there to see what would happen. And nothing happened. This happened. Well, that was your fault, harold, okay. Don't you blow this thing, okay. I'm making a deal with the oil company. They're gonna pay us for the privilege of runnin' the pipeline through the lodge property. Well, I wished I'd known so I could protest it. I can be pretty obnoxious you know. No kiddin'. Harold, listen, a harmless little pipeline running through some part of the lodge is not going to bother anybody. And they're gonna pay money, harold, real money: Oil money. Well, some of that should be my money, because I found the oil. That would make me rich. Oh, no, no, no. You dropped in the oil. That makes you a dipstick. [ laughter / applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers / applause ] today mike hamar will be playing for dinner for two at chuck's chip wagon. At chuck's we have a saying... "when the chips are down, "they won't be for long." okay, mike, cover your ears. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to mike hamar to say this word... All right, winston. And... Go! Okay, mike, when you do something bad, that brings you shame; but when you do something good, that brings you... Parole. Um, esteem. A kettle. Okay, okay! When you trust people to pay for things and you never check up on them, that's called the "something" system. The stupid system. Uh, red, almost outta time. Yeah, okay. Mike, remember a few years ago you stole a woman's purse? That was because back then you were a man without... Money. Okay, but then later you took the purse and returned it to her, because you became a man with... An empty purse. See, I thought her money was in her purse, but she had it on her. There we go! Men, as your lodge leader, I have the power to designate someone as a lifetime charter member of the lodge. I can pick somebody who has maybe made a big impact on lodge life, or somebody that nobody hates, or somebody who may give us money at some point in the future. So I'd like you to sit up and show a little respect and go so far as to pretend that you're listening to tonight's recipient of this honour, mr. Charlie farquharson! [ cheers / applause ] by golly, this is quite a surprise. It's my first time at possum lodge. I finally decided to see where the smell was coming from. I do have a family connection to this area. My mother's maiden name was boyle, and her mother's maiden name was payne. Well, there's my second cousin george, who everybody said was a boyle on my mother's side, but people who knew him well said he was more of a payne than a boyle. His son lance was a little of each. George almost made the guinness book of record in 1937 'cause when he moved from parry sound to possum lake, he raised the average I.Q. Of both places. George decided to be a farmer when he got here because he had bought a farm, and that's what they're for. He had two wooden legs, and I remember he used to get slivers every time he took his pants off too fast, which he did on a regular basis. You gotta expect a man with wooden legs to be a little knotty [ naughty ]. [ laughing ] but then one night george had a barn fire, and he was burned to the ground. My wife and former sweetheart valeeta and I still live in parry sound and we both owe you fellas a big thank-you, because you guys at the lodge sure make everybody in parry sound feel better about themselves. But in closing I'd like to thank you all for this honour. I'm sure I'll appreciate it a lot more in the future than I will tomorrow in the pasture. [ laughing ] I had a little problem up at the lodge. Nothing serious. 20,000 gallons of some kind of toxic liquid mysteriously gathered at the low end of the parking lot. So the government guys come down here, and they're in the process of pumping it into these drums. They're gonna go dump it into the hudson river or something. But there's an upside. See, they've all gone off to the hospital because one of the guys spilled some of the stuff down the front of his pants. And he immediately stopped worrying about the ozone, and started worrying about the fun zone. So now I'm left here with a high-volume, gas-powered water pump and 200 feet of hose. And I'm sure you're thinking what I'm thinking... Jet boat. Is this a great idea or what? It's light, it's strong and it's shock absorbent. Always an asset when you dock a boat the way I do. Now, I sealed off the other end of the hose with the handyman's secret weapon. But I want to stick some kind of removable plug in this end, because this going to be a fishing boat, and I'm planning on using the hose as a live well. I just need to find something the right size and shape. Now, I know people are going to be impressed with this boat, but I want it to be in a good way. So I need to add some kind of a cabin or a bridge to the unit. And like all the great boat builders, thor heyerdahl, robinson crusoe, huckleberry finn, I'm going to make it out of materials I have at hand. And there's my bridge. Even got a little windshield. Cleanest windshield you'll ever see. And that's how you take a bunch of leftover junk and turn it into something useful and attractive. Exact opposite of what the government does. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get up to the yacht club for the sailpast. I wanna talk to you older guys about watching your language. Now, I don't mean those words you use when you hit a thumb with your hammer or a tree with your hummer, I'm talking about those times when you say things like... "you know, I remember when you could get a haircut for two bucks." that just makes you sound old. Sentences like that are basically verbal carbon dating. They tell the person you're talking to just exactly what kind of fossil you are. And that ruins everything. Heck, I've seen a guy go to all the trouble of dyeing his hair black, sucking his gut in and pretending to like rap music, only to blow it by leaning back in his chair and going into a ten-minute monologue that starts with, "back in my day..." you know, "back in my day" just means today is not your day, and tomorrow's a long shot. So my advice is just keep quiet. You only have to do it for a couple more years, and by then you'll be so darned old nobody will pay attention to anything you say. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Announcer: Announcing a motion picture event of unprecedented scope and unparalleled septic significance. Winston rothschild iii in his first dramatic role as john toad, a poor itinerant sewage and septic sucking technician. I'll be around... Wherever you look, wherever there's a fight where some plumber's cheating some poor guy, I'll be there. I'll be there in the way a guy reaches to raise the seat or jiggle the handle. Wherever people flush without thinking or walk through their yards without finding that soft, mushy spot, or enjoy the smell of a sweet summer breeze instead of... Something else. I'll be there. Announcer: Coming this summer to a theatre near you. Well, they got a lot of the pipeline put in place, and I don't what everybody's got their clams all steamed about. As far as I'm concerned, the thing's barely noticeable. Oh, uncle red! Uncle red -- [ red laughing ] that's the fourth time I've done that. That's okay. It's still funny. Oh, I good news from the oil company. Yeah, they're not gonna use the pipeline. They're gonna use oil trucks instead. They can't do that, harold! Oh, yes, they can, and I'm glad they can, and I'm so glad they did. This pipeline was wreaking havoc with the entire area. Oh, come off it, harold. This area was reeking long before they got here. Well, what do we do now? You just take it down. That's what you do. It doesn't do anything. It doesn't go anywhere. Sounds like a lodge member. It's not like it's something fun like a waterslide or something. Waterslide! No! It's your idea. Come on. Waterslide! Still funny. Red: Now, bill and walter were putting in a fence behind the lodge. I went to see what was going on, and what I saw didn't please me all that much. To me -- don't you have to dig a hole first before you try and just a drive a post right into the clay? Then they went with the -- yeah, lookin' better. Push me, pull you kind of deal. Oh! All right. Um, this is maybe a poor wood choice at this point. Then bill asked for the sledge hammer, there you go -- and -- oh! Well, that's unfortunate. Meanwhile, walter had pounded the top of that one pretty round, so I finally showed -- there's all you need to do, boys. And they're a little embarrassed, but that's because they hadn't had a whole lot of success. But they had a decent one about every six. So we figured, it's all you really need. As long as you've got three to attach it to, you just -- so we got the coiled fence there. They're just going to unwind that. She's got some spring to her. And I'm just gonna staple it to the middle pole. No, no. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Okay, away you go. So the same guys who did the poles also did the measuring, which -- yeah, well, you see what happened there. Okay, that's not gonna work, bill. No, I think you either need more fence or less -- no. Okay, now we're -- yeah, okay. That's really not -- this is not the attitude that gets us anywhere. Meanwhile, I'm trying -- and the thing's going zig-zag, and I can't get a -- and of course, now it gets personal. So I figure the only way that I can stop this is by getting a staple in there while she's goin' by, and that starts the coils all going. And this was just a -- I didn't even see that. That was a pure accident. I didn't even see these fellas comin' in, and I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And so now we're -- steady, boys, steady. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! So then I say, well, if you could just roll -- that's not -- boy, that's really hard on the ears. So finally they got separated a bit. I think the only way out of this mess is to sort of unroll them like a cabbage roll. So I'm thinkin' I'll get bill unrolled, and then we'll come back and do walter in a minute. So we got her goin' there, and I think we were gettin' awful close to the cliff, with the water and everything there. Luckily we ran out of fence. And we were all set to go back and get walter, and one look over -- that's bad. And walter's already headin' our way. You know, I think we meant to stop him, but I dunno, in the heat of the moment -- oh! Oh! Oh. Well, I got things to do. [ applause ] you know, throughout a man's life, you will have good days, and you will have bad days. And if you're lucky enough to be married, your wife will often point out which ones are which. But the one thing that all the bad days have in common is the element of rejection... Being denied access to the local tavern, or the the women's dorm, or the exit door at the playstation. These are setbacks. But the biggest disappointment in a man's life has to be the day his driver's license is revoked. Happens to most of us as we get older. Maybe you can't pass the eye test, or your neck won't turn around far enough for you to back up. Or maybe you've been doin' 30 in the passing lane with your turn signal on since 1997. But don't worry. Where there's a handyman there's a way. Just because you can't drive a car doesn't mean you can't drive. So I lifted the body off of this convertable, which you need a license for, and put it onto something you don't need a license for, a riding mower. Okay, it's not as good as a real car. You can't pick up girls in it or reach the drive-thru window. And takin' this baby onto the highway, that's pretty much a suicide attempt. But hey, at least you're not walkin'. Oh, sure, they can take away my license, but they can't take away my dignity. [ applause ] well, harold's all set for his trial run of our pipeline waterslide. We were thinkin' of sending a dog down there first, you know, as kind of a pre-test run, but we thought, no, that's cruel. All right, dalton, give harold the signal. Harold, we're good to go! Come on down! You might wanna try head first so you don't hurt yourself. Oh, here he comes. [ harold screeching ] [ sound stops ] 'scuse me. 'scuse me, uncle red. Yeah, harold, what is it? Well, um, it seems I'm stuck in the pipe! Okay, okay, don't panic, harold. Dalton, give me the cordless drill out of the there, will you? What!? Where exactly are you in there, harold? Ow! Back a little bit. That's very loud, you know! What do you want the drill for? I'm gonna drill a hole in the pipe. What!? Is that safe? You're right. You better hold the chair. I think he's talking about my safety! Well, if you feel a drill bit, just yell out, harold. Ow! What!? What, harold? There's a spider! Dalton, get me that -- see that coffee pot? It's got oil in it bring that over. What are you doin'? What are you doin'? Harold, we have a blockage in the pipe. We need an enema. I dunno ab -- [ harold gurgling ] harold, just keep your mouth shut and wiggle around a little bit. Grab the bat, dalton, and give him a little love tape. [ harold screeching and clunking through pipe ] [ dalton laughing ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time, red. Yeah, you go ahead, dalton. I'll be right down. I'm sure he's fine. It's meeting time. Meeting time. Away you go. Away you go. [ applause ] uh, so if my wife is watching, I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting. And don't worry, just because we got a waterslide at the lodge doesn't mean I'm gonna be spending more time up here. I still know where the real amusement park is. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers / applause ] okay, guys. Everyone have a seat. Sit down now. Take your seats. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, men, harold tells me that the waterslide is just way too dangerous. It's pitch black inside, there's metal shards in every seam, and she's covered with oil residue on the inside. So we are going to have to tear her down, but before we do, is anyone interested in going for one last ride? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com